There are two types of people in this beautiful, twisted,and seductive world we call home: people who want more likes and liars.
Getting likes is a delicate science. I’m not talking shear volume—I’m talking percentage. Celebrities get millions. Hot dudes get thousands. ‘Kini pix get hundreds. That’s small ball. The real struggle is for those of us who average 47 but sometimes, on rare occasions when the filter is just right and the caption is freaking gold, can get between 93 and 112.
You have to post between 2:00 p.m. and 3:00 p.m., and never on a Thursday. If you think you’re going to break 50 on a Thursday then you should stop reading now.
You can’t post past 8:00 p.m. unless you actually want to hover below 11 likes and have that list of names below your photo for more like 26 minutes.
Don’t geotag unless it adds to your joke. If you geotag the place where the picture was taken, you don’t understand my approach to life or to Instagram and you probably get over 312 every time.
Videos don’t do well, so don’t get your hopes up. The only vids you’re going to rack up on will be of people from another country doing something that would never happen in America.
If you screenshot a text convo, don’t even talk to me about likes ever.
If you post a picture of food, expect to hover around 38.
If, for whatever reason, you decide the sunset is too good and you have to post, take a lap. Or, better yet, text your friends and beg for a like.
Finally, and most importantly, if you aren’t liking your own photos you don’t understand the game.